Lost. 

HELLO EVERYONE! It’s been sooooo long since I’ve posted something up here. I’ve been really busy with life and rugby and life heheh. Apparently great things are cooking up! 

Anyways, this entry will just be about something that’s been bothering me for some time and I wanna let it out!!!!! :<
TEMPORARY 

– I think you guys should know that I was broken before. That feeling is super shitty af is2g. I put my heart and soul to something I thought that would last till forever but NOOOOOO. It’s like the person who left you just wanted your presence temporarily and wants you to leave once he/she get what they want from you. Sad right? I know. Been there, done that. 

Anywho……. recently I was thinking. If I could convince myself that relationships right now aren’t a waste of time because I went out with this girl and asked myself if I can commit 24/7 to it. I feel like somewhere somehow she’s gonna leave me hanging when everything is going smoothly. And I’m also afraid if she’s gonna use me to get things and stuff. 

i don’t wanna do this anymore. 

frères

frères

Hey guys!! I’m so sorry for not updating but here I am 😀 Back after a two week-ish hiatus haha. Anyways, this entry will be about the people who tried to bring me back up after the run of events especially my bros. I wouldn’t miss on the others who helped me too hehe

FAM BAM BOOM WAM

I’m so immensely glad that we’re in the same class since Secondary 3. They’re a real group of friends that I treasure the most despite the constant bantering here and there haha. The times they’ve been there for me I cannot count but let’s just say ALL THE TIME. I couldn’t be more thankful when they came down to watch me play last season haha :3

 

Thank you for everything boys ❤

 

 

Redemption.

Redemption.

24/3/2017

Ola! I know it has been a few days since I updated this lmao well I’ve been busy and super tired with my gym stuff and what not so anyways let’s get straight to it! 😀

This entry is about new doors opening after the older ones were shut in other words new opportunities arise all with the help of the Almighty.

THE STORY

Just when I thought I had hit the lowest point in my life, this ray of hope came out from the darkness. I was informed that I was selected to represent the school in the POL-ITE Games!!! It was a major uplifting for me after what I’ve gone through.

On a side note, the passing of my grandmother and the leaving of my then girlfriend just had to happen a month before the first game of the season.

Back to the topic, I was hoping none of it all would happen. If my grandmother was still around, I’ll be coming home to her asking how my game was etc etc. She has never watched me play though. She has only seen me and my injuries from the game, coming home with crutches and casts. On the other hand, my girlfriend has also never watched my games. Although I really wanted her to, bcuz you know, ‘you gotta support your man’ LMAO. But yeah. Both of them are my pillars of strength. Basically my family and my friends are. But when a part of that pillar is missing, you’ll have a weak foundation and your building will be shaky. You feel me?

“MY FAVORITE SCRUMHALF”

That’s what I play in XV rugby and that’s what my girlfriend told me waaaay before the breakup. Anyways, I was given the jersey ’21’ which was dope and the second scrumhalf of the team. Donning the jersey was one thing. To actually be playing on the field against other Polytechnics was another. I’ve been missing out on competitive school rugby for some time and last year was my breakthrough year. I enjoyed every minute of game time I was given be it as a substitute or a starting player. But I feel as though someone is not in the spectator stands watching me play. Like yknow your mates brought along their missus to cheer them on but I have no one. So I kinda feel hollow inside. But it’s all good because I had friends from secondary school coming over to watch me play so that’s great.

SO THAT’S ITTTTT. I’m really really tired these few days IDKY but I hope ya’ll get where I’m coming from in this entry. I’ll try my best to update again tomorrow!! But thank you SOOOO MUCH for reading my blog 🙂 It’s nice. Have a rocker of a weekend !!

Lay Me Down Easy

18/3/2017

Hey guys!! Here’s another entry. This time is about the remorse and guilt I’ve felt over the days and months and how I wish I could turn back time.

THE REALISATION

Well, I have to say it took me several mean tweets and shade posts on my other Instagram account to actually accept the fact that we’re no longer an exclusive item anymore and that something just went wrong around 2 to 3 weeks prior to our official split. It was already building up then and it’s just waiting for the right moment to start a huge fight between the two of us. I wouldn’t blame her on everything but I know that I have my part in making mistakes during the relationship. Mistakes that would actually hurt her rather than make her love me more

THE REALISATION PT II 

I did an intensive study and self reflection of my actions that caused all of this. Upon my ‘research’, I find that I have a huge amount of ego and pride that I’m afraid of losing. Maybe because I want to show people around me that I’m capable of being an Alpha male and not give in. But it doesn’t seems like it and I was supposed to not be afraid of losing my ego and pride but instead to be AFRAID OF LOSING HER. 

And I lost her.

THE REALISATION PT III

When I finally figured out my mistakes, the damage was already done. It was too late. I tried to change for the better for her but she already closed the door on me. I lost her. I lost her trust. That moment on, I was lost in oblivion as to what to do. At first I thought it was still like a ‘meh’ kind of situation but it slowly enveloped my feelings.

end.

If you’re seeing this, I miss you. I guess you’re doing fine without me but everyday I’ve been dreading to see your face, meetup for some Maccas breakfast or walks by the beach like we used to do. You’re still my #1. You took my heart away too when you left 😥

i miss you.

Jpeg

The Acceptance

Hey guys!! Today’s entry will be about the shits that happened post-breakup period 😦

MY HEAD

It was in a haywire. I just don’t know how to explain, but I couldn’t think straight. I still tried to fight back for her when I know there isn’t any chance left. The fact that I couldn’t have her anymore sunk my heart deeper than the titanic *sobs *. I guess mainly because I tried soooo hard to have it go my way and expect it to be , things just took a turn and everything just went against me which is really sudden. And I wasn’t expecting the worst. It took me a while to stop myself from trying anymore. I guess it’s time to just stop.

MY FEELINGS

I don’t know if my feelings and my head does relate but damn I was on a fluctuations of different levels. There’ll be days where I’ll hate her for leaving me and then there are days where I’ll miss her so much and everything about her. Eventually, I let my feelings get the best of me and I fell into not-so-serious-serious depression. Life was really bleak and I walked around with a smile just to hide the fact that I’m scarred inside.

MY BODY

TBH my body reacted the way I didn’t want it to. I lost so much weight and lost my appetite too. Which sucks.

I remember clearly that I listened to a breakup album on Spotify for legit a month 😦 Call me a crazy ex but I still keep our old photos together hahahahais. It’s just too heavy of a blessing and memory to let go just like that.

I’m doing fine now; I guess. Although thinking about my ex and my grandmother every now and then hurts my weak little heart 😦 I still love them and miss them so much.

end.

I guess that’s the end for my entry today, I’ll definitely be writing more for the next entry. Thanks for reading this one! Much love xoxo

The Downfall

Hey guys! So I’ve decided to list down everything in chronological sequence so it sounds more appropriate 🙂

I’ll begin with the two most symbolic events which made me fall so hard until I forgot about myself.

THE BREAKUP

Just a few days prior to our 17th month thingy, she called for quits. I guess it didn’t turn out the way we wanted it to be. I remembered seeing the text she sent made me feel a surge of denial, anger, and depression caused by the sudden realization of what happened. I tried my best to find a way to get her back but she just closed the door on me. I only realized my mistakes in the relationship although I desperately tried to convince her that none of it will happen again.

From then on, I was afraid; mainly because we didn’t end things with proper closure and that I’m just weary that she might talk smack about me. I was lost too. The person whom I turn to when I have problems, the one who brings me up when I’m down,the one doesn’t fail to make me smile errrday, suddenly left my life just like that. MY FUCKING CINNAMON APPLE :(. I can give you 1001 reasons on why she completes me. She’s just PERFECT.

Moving on I really didn’t enjoy my post-breakup vibes. It felt like shit. I swear I had depression and insomnia. Shit hit me so bad, my exams got affected and obviously my GPA was horrendous for my first semester in school. I was hoping that rugby and stuff could numb the pain away, but not all of it was gone.

Just when I thought I already moved on and was ready to take on the world and what it’ll give to me, I got dragged down back to the lowest of the lowest this time

THE PASSING

2 weeks after my breakup, when I thought everything’s gonna be alright, my beloved grandmother passed away. She’s been there for me for 17 years and has provided me with the best love and care a grandmother could provide. I was down in the dumps. She was already on her deathbed days before but I told myself “Nah, she’s gonna be alright. We’re gonna bring her to the hospital and she’s gonna walk it off fine”. But I guess God loves her more than I do .

Everything just hit me in the face. I was so heartbroken by both losses, I almost took my life. But I told myself everything happens for a reason and that better days are coming.

MAKING MY WAY BACK UP SLOWLY

Even up till now, I have to say that I’m still deeply affected by the turn of events. Every now and then I’ll be daydreaming about them; about spending time with them and whatnot. Everyday is an attempt for me to claw myself back up to the top.

end. 

I hope you guys could understand what in the world I was writing haha writing blog entries at 1:50 in the morning is some tiring stuff. It’s kinda dry too I guess.

I guess my next entry will be about the people and things that had helped me back up.

OH AND I ALSO WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU GUYS ABOUT SOME WEIRD EXPERIENCES HEHEHEHEHE

So stick around! Thanks for reading my entry for today 🙂

The First

Congratulations! You found me 🙂 Well, I’m finally starting a blog to rant or share parts of my life with you away from Twitter haha. I’m trying my best to keep this as LOWKEY as possible, but I doubt that will happen.

Basically, this will be an avenue for me to talk about things that I don’t usually bring up about even to my closest friends and that is my past relationship. Yes, PAST RELATIONSHIP. That was my first time and they say the first ones are the hardest to let go and well that’s kinda true :/ .

Away from the crippling depression of what 1/3 of  my blog will sound like, I will also be including posts of myself and my various journeys everywhere. You can say it’s kind of an emotional rollercoaster on this blog of mine.

But hey, you found me anyway.